Horseless Carriages Were Declared a Trivial Side Quest

The Lords of Wall Street assembled—by telephone rather than torchlight—to hear from the House of Tesla, whose founder and High Visionary, Elon of Musk, addressed them with the calm confidence of a man explaining why gravity is optional if one believes hard enough.

The occasion was styled as an “earnings call,” though earnings themselves were treated much as one treats umbrellas during a flood: acknowledged, then set aside. The true purpose of the gathering was revelation.

On the Matter of Cars (Briefly, and With Some Discomfort)

Vehicles were mentioned, though in that manner one mentions an embarrassing cousin who still works in retail. Deliveries were down. Margins were thin. Competition was plentiful. None of this seemed to trouble Elon the Visionary, who spoke of automobiles as if they were in a cocoon stage—necessary, but not to be dwelt upon.

Indeed, it was quietly revealed that the noble Model S and Model X—once the jeweled horseless carriages of the realm—are to be retired. They will not be mourned. Their factories shall be repurposed for greater beings, beings who neither steer nor brake, and may not even require a human to acknowledge their existence.

The Cybercab: A Car That Does Not Believe in Drivers

Much excitement was reserved for the Cybercab, a conveyance with no steering wheel, no pedals, and—critics suggest—no patience for regulators. This vehicle, we were told, will soon roam dozens of cities, obedient only to code and confidence.

The Visionary assured the gathered financiers that full autonomy is imminent, as it has been for several years now. This time, however, it is really imminent. So imminent, in fact, that one could nearly touch it, were it not for the minor inconveniences of law, liability, and physics.

Still, Wall Street nodded politely. They have learned that skepticism is impolite, and optimism is tax-advantaged.

A Digression Into Artificial Intelligence (Which Was the Entire Point)

Having disposed of cars, the Visionary turned to what truly matters: Artificial Intelligence, that modern ether from which all future profits shall be conjured.

Tesla, it appears, will invest several billion dollars in xAI, another Muskian enterprise, thus achieving the rare feat of lending money to oneself while calling it strategy. This was described not as a conflict, but as synergy, a word which here means “trust me.”

AI, we were told, will drive the cars, manage the robots, store the energy, predict the weather, and perhaps—given sufficient compute—explain the earnings call retroactively.

Optimus: The Humanoid Solution to Problems We Haven’t Agreed Exist

Then came Optimus, the humanoid robot destined to perform tasks ranging from factory labor to domestic assistance, though not, it seems, answering analyst questions.

Production will scale. Costs will fall. Robots will walk among us, quietly replacing jobs while assuring us they are friends. The Visionary spoke of Optimus units in the millions, delivered with the ease of software updates and the optimism of a man who has never attempted mass production of anything complicated.

On Spending Vast Sums With Great Enthusiasm

Tesla also announced capital expenditures exceeding $20 billion, a figure so large it was delivered briskly, lest anyone pause to imagine it. The money will be spent on data centers, chips, robots, batteries, and possibly a semiconductor factory, should the world continue its inconvenient habit of running out of things Tesla needs.

This was framed not as risk, but as destiny.

The Energy Business, Quietly Doing Real Work

Almost as an aside, Tesla mentioned that its energy division—batteries, storage, things that actually function today—performed quite well. This was said modestly, as though success were vaguely embarrassing when compared to grand visions of robot chauffeurs.

Analysts perked up briefly, then returned to contemplating the year 2026, where all things apparently resolve themselves.

Wall Street’s Reaction: A Study in Disciplined Hope

When the call concluded, investors reacted with neither panic nor ecstasy, but with that peculiar stillness reserved for people who have placed very large bets and would prefer not to think about them too closely.